2nd Epiphany of 2015

Apparently DISAPPEARING is the new goodbye in dating. C'est la vie is what I initially said but then I was like ... but what if he's dead... then I was like.. (a few mini donuts later) I should at least find out. 

I'd tried all the basic channels to discovery only to finally resort to my old Skool ways... as I told a new online friend I always FIND who I'm looking for... and sure enough... there he was... as good as GOLD... Sooooo apparently he was just FINISHED talking to me!
HAHAHAH
oooookay... what happened to goodbye. 

Well I'm a quick study and so I totally get it... I do... and I'm REAL GOOD with it. 

... and so with that thought I went to BED. 

Wow...there is nothing like solid sleep and a Luke warm shower to cause one to have....wait for it... their second largest epiphany of 2015!!!

The term leave it in God's Hands...or Wait on God to handle it...always left me feeling "less than hopeful" when it came to love and marriage mates. I guess I was more of the mind set to ...wait on God's forgiveness or approval... No. Buzzz....wrong. wait on God means just that. It's not like you'll miss it if it happens or long for it miserably if it doesn't happen...God is just not unkind like that...to ask you to be miserable while you wait on him....besides he'll let you know when it's time to act. It's GOD were talking about here....not some shady self serving sales person.
Wow. Okay but what about the old fear...but what if he decides I don't deserve anyone... Michelle!!! Slapping my own back of the head.  It's not about deserving as much as needing. .. what we want and what we need are two far flinging things... and hey getting what you want has worked out for you soooo well right...? NOT.
Sure you've had a little fun here and there but imagine had one of those goofballs really been the right one. Sure you got a little confused once but in retrospect you got some flags that you ignored one that guy too 'man of god'... hmph.

So imagine for a moment...a man.... no red flags... wow. My brain just almost exploded at just the thought of it. Call me all grown up now but I could seriously wait on that.

My only fear is that being resistant to using my "good sense" I will still make a whompum mistake but I think with prayer the flags will show and guess what...I'm just tired enough to see them now... call me a meany butt but I will see them and act accordingly - and promptly. I won't rudely just disappear as I'm seeing these crazy men are doing these days as they...apparently... see a red flag in me... but as these crazy men are doing with me... I too shall drop them like they are poison.

Wow...I know all this sounds so simple and people say they will wait on God all the time... but accepting that God may actually be telling me there will be no one for me and you will be happy... accepting that. .. that's huge for me. But I'm there ... I believe I'm finally there in my level of acceptance.

What's your demeanor? Meaner?

Question... do you find that now that you're over 50 people say you're MEANER?
Is it really MEANNESS that has taken us over or just lack of tolerance for nonsense...
I think as a younger women I felt OBLIGATED to understand and find a meaning to all the noise that went on in my life ... not so much anymore.

Sure I like FB... as much as the next person. I like the games and the interaction and even catching up with some acquaintances I haven't seen in a long time... and I SURE like the ability to store my photos ... my phone often runs out of space hehe...

I also like the ability to VENT and talk and write and do all that stuff in an environment where I am in control and it doesn't matter if anyone is listening or not because I can't SEE people being rude to me or bored with me or whatever... UNLESS they make a POINT of 'wanting' me to see all that by coming into my 'space' and letting me know how they felt about what I said or they thought I said or what I thought or what they believe I'm thinking by what they think I said .... OR if I ventured into a virtual menusa (sp) where we interacted and they let me know by their lack of online etiquette that I was not welcome in that particular ... thread.

 People may sigh and say OMG why is she taking FB so seriously... well, that just isn't the point of this little rant... it just happened to be the direction of my digression hahah... the point I was bringing up was the reference to me being MEANER since I turned 50.

I just think my 'oh-I-care-if-you-like-me' button doesn't work as well as it used too....

If I didn't have an ONLINE outlet, I'm telling you right now... I wouldn't socialize at all ... comparatively speaking. I'm just not that fond of the whole ritual of 'interacting' socially... face to face (especially with new people) -- I don't even really enjoy talking on the phone as much as I did when I was younger. It's become very difficult for me as time passes... So it's not that I don't have a life off of FB or any other social media... it's just that in my offline life I don't really do stuff with other people. Texting has turned out to be a life saver for me... I don't do it all that well but it sure beats talking on the phone... sigh. I don't know why.

I think a lot has to do with the fact that I don't watch TV perse.

Additionally, I'm not losing my desire to be in a 'man / woman' relationship either so much as I've TOTALLY lost my desire to be in a sane / insane relationship with me being the sane party...

Lately I've only met men who either, have nothing in common, are bored with their current situation and want to 'give me a try', lie online so much that they have forgotten that in face to face encounters timelines should be chronological = there is just no way you could have done this for ex time, that for ex time all while saving the universe with your marvelous invention of light and fire... and only be 57 years old... it doesn't add up!

I just cant be bothered in my offline life. Now online sure... you're quite entertaining... kinda like candy crush... I play that same level for like MONTHS and yet... it's entertaining.

Well anyway, I'm just venting... in my corner of the virtual universe - feels good.

First Epiphany of the year...

I THINK I just had an epiphany. I THINK I stepped away from my from faith because i got lazy. I got lazy and didn't want to work on the fruits of the spirit daily anymore. It's not easy to work on them DAILY... not even working on ONE at a time... it's hard work. When the world and it's craziness is falling in on your it's hard to exercise Love Joy Peace Faith Kindness Goodness Mildness Self Control and Long Suffering every day.

It's HARD and you get tired... because what you get back sometimes... even from your children is a bunch of a nothing... and when you DO get something back you just wanna hug it and squeeze and somehow convince yourself you DESERVE IT ... when in fact we DESERVE nothing... we don't. We are dirt and should work hard EVERYTHING for EVERYTHING we get... and be thankful to GOD that we got it...
People say... WHAT KIND OF GOD IS THAT... he's a JUST God and one that is loving and kind and generous...
No I didn't contradict myself ...
HE GIVES US EVERYTHING WE NEED... air, food, family, friends, life and the ability to enjoy it.

The least we can do is WORK for the rest...
WE are entitled to nothing more than what we NEED...
Think about our children... how long would you just let them suckle on your breast before you EXPECT some work out of them... 5 years 10 years 20 years...
MILK is for infants solid food is for grown folks.. and with that solid food comes WORK... gotta earn it.

LIFE is a struggle... A good one or a bad one.. it's up to.
But either way... I got whinny and tired and didn't want to struggle anymore. I didn't want to do my part and wait on what I NEED... for a while there what I NEEDED wasn't enough because I was so tired and lazy I began to see things out of proportion. I gave a little and wanted A LOT in return.
It just doesn't work like that.

So knowing this I have to reign in my thinking... quit all this belief in the cosmos and stars and universal powers etc... my belief is in a REAL God... who listens to prayers and grants me the RIGHT ONES... no matter what I reason or feel I deserve!

In the meantime... I need to continue to TRY to get along with world in which I've been place. STOP trying to get out of the work of forgiving, loving, understanding, teaching, preaching, worshiping... humbling myself to say I'm sorry when I REALLY DON"T THINK I DID ANYTHING WRONG... that's a toughy.

I need to just buck up and DO LIFE... I was born into a Christian family and I made a dedication to live a christian life and was baptized - I need to accept my OWN convictions.

I told someone that tonight... You should NEVER be sorry for your convictions. Well MICHELLE... back at cha. Stop regretting your convictions.